you’re the final boss.

it was always me vs the world; until I found it’s me vs me.

While I would love to use this time to talk about how much I’ve fallen in love with Kendrick’s artistry, and everything it means to me; I’d rather bounce off of it and write my own shit that he’d tip his hat to.

I’ve spent approximately the last two years fighting my external issues head on and demolishing my “enemies” with nothing more than a wave of a pen. Some would call it cowardice, I call it calculation. My mind is mine, and my, is it powerful. So powerful that while I was busy slaughtering my enemies, my mind was watching and waiting, building a plan to take me down.

There is not a single thing another can truthfully tell me about myself that I have not already picked apart, examined and defined in the silent laboratory of my mind. I’ve seen me in every season; past the flesh, down through the bones, and into the spirit. I have never experienced anything more gruesome, yet enlightening in all of my time being.

I know what it is to strip the ego from root to crown, without so much as a trace of Ayahuasca to get me through it. To watch the mirror tear me apart, eyes forced open, compelled to keep watching and never turn away or blink. It has the tendency to fucking suck. There are no lies you can tell yourself about villains or enemies when you are forced to watch yourself be the architect of your own destruction. The horrors persist when you find out that even by being overly meek, or by succumbing to fear you are still a victim to your ego. Fear is ego’s favorite disguise.

my newfound life made all of me magnified.

Did you ever notice that to be afraid is to be so prideful that you refuse to endure discomfort? Fear has you poisoning your own mind before you even endure the impact of the reality, if there is any impact to endure at all. To live in fear of anything, or anyone is to live in your ego on the lowest level. Not because you believe you are above the situation that brings you dis-ease, but because you are putting it on a pedestal above self. By fearing another, you are exemplifying that you believe more in conforming to the will of another than you believe in self.

It is said that all of the universe is a reflection of you. As above, so below, if you will. Every battle fought on the external can likely also be found in some form within the internal self. I mean after all, whether inside or outside, you’re always fighting you. And you will go round for round until something breaks.

residue that linger from your past creates itself.

When I finally made a pitstop in the quaint town that is that epiphany, I was met with a society full of versions of me that had never found release. They were sealed tightly in their homes with the demons they had failed to expel by way of acknowledgment. Being the wanderer in that town as my current self, only I held the power to free them from the outside. How am I supposed to free them from their demons? I mean, after all, they let this go on this long. I searched for excuses and loopholes to find my way out of saving the day. I told myself things like “I’m no longer her, or her… or her,” and “Well, they aren’t me.” Little did I know, the only way out of this little town was with direction from the very folks I was refusing to set free. And then I did. I released every version of me that was locked in my mind and heard about the things that kept them locked inside. It was silence, mostly. Fear of speaking up, allowing those around me to steamroll me at every available opportunity. Giving others a sense of control that belonged to me. But it was also fear of being perceived…. and of people having insight on how I perceive. As I make my way through another solar lap, I’ve found myself letting it fly. Reminding myself with every cracked lock that I am allowed to speak about things, allowed to not like shit…I’m here to take of up space, not alter myself to fit within it.

fuck being rational, give ’em what they askin’ for

In the past, I have stuffed myself into molds I was meant to break, and forced a fit. I had suppressed my innate ability to be authentically me to make those around me most comfortable within themselves; and they ate it up. When I was at my most docile, agreeable and obedient, the world tried its damnedest to drag me to hell. When I began to speak with more authority, move as if only I belonged in my spot in the world, and claim the things that belong to me in this life unapologetically; I found that doors began opening more easily for me (rather than me using every drop of strength I had opening them) and people showed me a lot more respect and possibly even a bit of fear. I am no longer apprehensive to say things like. “that doesn’t work for me. Because honestly, I said what I said and the lengths I have to go to, to show that I mean just that, is really up to the participant. And I am completely unapologetic about it.

ain’t nobody but the mirror lookin’ for the fall off

At some point, while struggling silently and containing my issues within the confines of my personal world; I realized no one is really looking unless you are presenting or drawing attention to your world, or their downright nosy and miserable (in which, you automatically win). And even then? It’s your world, fuck the aesthetics. I’d rather be myself, in all my glory (and even my not-so-glamorous moments) than be the poster child for ass kissing and pretending, while constantly fighting the imposter in me. People can pray on your downfall all they want, but only you can be the master of it.

I had to learn the lesson to teach the lesson.

nigga, we gon’ be alright

Maybe that’s what it was all along.

Not a war against people.

Not a war against circumstance.

Just me, meeting myself in every form I refused to recognize.

And the moment I stopped trying to escape it…

I started actually living inside it.

spoiler alert:

you were never the audience.

you were always the arena.

think about it.

talk soon.