Flaming Truths.

a reflection, turned think piece

Yes, I am just as aware as you are that I have been absent, again. But based on the standard around here, what do you expect? For me not to come in and out, dropping off my thoughts and fleeing, like the dead-beat writer you lot allow me to act like? Let’s be honest, that just may be the most exciting part. You never know the next time you’ll hear from me, or what Flaming Truth I’ll shoot at you next.

I did miss it here, though.

In my absence, I realized something. Oftentimes, I stay away so long because I don’t feel I can show up fully. At least, not the way I feel you deserve for me to. My biggest hang-up is that I feel like if I can’t show up in this space we’ve built, wholly, I don’t deserve to show up at all. I guess you could say, that’s my expectation. To be here, to be whole; putting you ass-hats in your places. And I would like to apologize for that. For my absence. For hiding when shit gets tough. I mean, it goes against the very reason that we’re here.

So without further ado, let’s get into it.

Great Expectations, like the book?

Holy fuck, you know what that is??! I didn’t think you had the capacity for anything more than a 15 second TikTok audio on repeat. No, I am not referring to the novel. I am talking about real expectations, especially other people’s.

Another thing that has shackled me to the walls of the cell in my mind, with my laptop just inches out of reach, has been being bogged down with other people’s grandiose-fucking-expectations and fantasies. It feels like the world has been taking turns sliding their expectations into my cell, on a dirty dish, and telling me to eat.

and I refuse.

I refuse to keep eating the fantasies of who and what people want me to be and regurgitating the results they want to see.

There is no greater prison than the one you build in your own body in the pursuit of appeasing everyone. I, personally, have found nothing but a lifetime of suffering in bending, twisting and breaking myself into everyone’s dream version of, well, myself. It was not until I started saying “no” without explanation, or apology that I began to recognize the taste of self-liberation. Sure, the people who only benefited from my conformity have been high-tailing-the-fuck-out-of-my-face, in light of my nonconformity; but honestly, I could give the slightest fuck less. No one has ever bothered, nor has to bother with over-performing for me; yet the expectations of me are always far more grand than they have ever (and will ever) deliver(ed). The bar is in hell and will remain there as long as you allow them to herd you along like a sheep going to slaughter.

So we’re here for another segment on saying “no”?

Just when I thought the possibility of your prefrontal lobe development was on the horizon, you opened your mouth. If I simply wanted to tell you to say no, I’d write and direct a fucking D.A.R.E commercial. I thought I was making a pretty obvious point-and-case here….but for your sake, I guess I’ll break it down and spoon-feed it to you.

You are not responsible for what people desire from you, or of you; only for what you are willing to deliver. And because I know some of you still read by sliding your index finger from word-to-word, and require an extra 30-second buffer time to comprehend single sentences, I will elaborate further.

You do not owe the world, nor the people in it anything. But do you know who you owe everything to? (please stop thinking so hard. the stench of your last 1.5 braincells being deep-fried is polluting my air supply) The answer is you. You deserve a life that makes you completely comfortable and makes you feel like you. Just like I deserve it. Just like everyone else you know does. Especially now.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed. But somewhere along the way, we shifted to a timeline where originality is slowly becoming outlawed. The societal expectation has become being just like everyone else. Wearing the same things. Doing the same things. Having the same interests. Wanting to have the same 2-3 occupations. We are expected to look at our neighbor and want to be exactly like them and that shit is disturbing. And because monkey-see-monkey-do is the name of the game, it is not only the standard but the expectation. We are expected to be mindless drones, sheep in a herd, following the newest trends. And to that I say, we are so cooked chat.

Here’s a cute little exercise:

Imagine it’s your last day amongst the living and you know it is. Everyone comes to you presenting itineraries for the day, and every single is things they’ve always wanted to do, with no regard for you. Would you suck it up, pick one and live your last day their way; or would you tell them to fuck off and kick shit your way, allowing them to tag along if they want?

Now, remind yourself of that answer daily.

And remember that motherfuckers are going to protest when you choose you and celebrate when you choose them.

That person harboring unrequited feelings that just knows it must be mutual? You do not owe them a chance or a slice of your emotions. Do not force what you do not feel. People who treat you poorly, but want to be doted on like royalty? You better fuckin’ not. Family members who prefer that you dive over cliffs gladiator style, as they shake in their boots and stare in awe, instead of joining your army? Maybe you should grab their ankle on the way down. People who expect you to conjure up a portal to heaven single-handedly, but want to walk through with you, are not your people. People who expect you to ditch your own desires and feelings to validate yours, are only seeking validation. We live in a world where desire is king and it’s even sweeter when you don’t have to work to receive. When you’re addicted to dopamine, that is. There is power in the controlling and compliance of others and when you hold expectations that they race to meet, you hold them both. Think about that and maybe;

Stop fucking going for that shit.

Don’t you know; if you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything?

And don’t get me started on the expectation of self (no, literally, don’t get me started unless you are ready for an everlasting spiral). We truly are our own biggest critic. We expect the extremes from ourselves and not even the the most basics of basics from others. I’ve decided to leave that there and let it simmer.

Anyway,

talk so–

not so fast. when are you coming back?

Well, wouldn’t you like to know? Are you expecting me or something? What, not enjoying drop post, ditch? I thought we were having fun (dude, I am so gaslighting you right now. Stand up for yourself). I mean the people of Gotham don’t see Batman all the time, but they’re usually pretty hyped when the see him around. Can I be your Batman? Or perhaps The Riddler.

I even have one for you now.

I’ll be in the space where my mind echoes free. New gifts with my visits; a marker of my presence you’ll see. Each time, new thoughts revealed; but the time of appearance concealed. Keep your eyes peeled.

I would tell you the answer, but where’s the fun in that?

talk soon,

well, I guess that’s up to you.