Flaming Truths.

I don’t have a flaming fucking clue what’s going on.

Is anybody else just, like, floating through time; having a terrible time but living out some of the very best days of your life at the same time? Such a weird paradox, I know. (okay, maybe the spliff took a hit of me, shut up and get back in your seat.) But seriously, I don’t know about the rest of you, but last year whooped my ass good. While me burning it all down and starting from scratch is a common theme; last year was a fucking forrest fire. And a lot of it was out of my hands. I was forced into a clean slate in a lot of departments and parts of it were absolutely-fucking-gruesome. The funny thing is, it was absolutely-fucking-worth-it.

well, that’s contradictory, isn’t it?

If you must be a glass-half-empty little twerp, then, sure. If you’re open-minded and understand that life be lifing and you can either keep swimming or be stagnant and drown; then you know that the ebb and flow is inevitable. Now, keep the rebuttals to a minimum.

As I was saying (before you so rudely interrupted), consider this a time of introspection and reflection.

you know the easiest way to see your reflection?

A mirror. Please save the child’s play for whomever your oldest of kin may be. The easiest way to see your reflection, truly, is to tear away your ego….or have it torn from you. I know vulnerability is strictly prohibited, but, last year stripped me of my ego.

2024 left me bare and exposed, like the root of a tooth when a cavity is present. When you’re naked, it’s impossible not to see you for you. And just like the human body, you can make modifications to you but eventually, you’re going to have to look at what you’ve done… to yourself. Even the shit that you did to yourself, in response to shit you did not do to yourself. You my friend, are the mirror. Held up close and personal, in all your glory; and forced to look straight in. (yes, I know, your mushy little brain can’t handle such cryptic messages.)

What? Are you gonna cry? Need a tissue?

I’ll admit, the shirt hurts, truly. But I learned a lot of shit I wouldn’t have otherwise; and I bet your pansy ass would’ve folded under the pressure I endured. (this is the part where I say something super fucking cliché like,) It is not until you lose yourself, that you find yourself. But that, like most cliches, holds truth. I met the very worst version of myself last year and boy, is she ugly.

So you learned that you’re ugly?

No, but I’m glad you asked. Instead of boring you with paragraphs, upon paragraphs of everything that I’ve learned this year, I will make you a list. (translation: I would hate for your soft ass brain to melt all over my perfectly good blog post, as you overdose on information. So I’ll make it simple just for you.)

• Sometimes, when life backs me into a corner, I have a bad habit of snapping and biting at the people I love like a rabid dog. I learned somewhere in the haze, that this is not out of anger but out of fear and sadness. I work a bit harder daily to euthanize said dog.
• You can only be where your feet are. The past? Over with. The future? Out of reach. If you’re always looking back, you’re sure to run into something. If you’re always looking too far ahead, you will miss what’s right in front of you. Your feet are already planted. Just be present for one fucking second.
• It is not until you are completely alone that you master independence. And even then, you will just barely survive without someone, anyone, to lean on.
• I forgot what it means to live. I got so bogged down with grief, struggle and heartbreak that I forgot this is my shot to feel it all, do it all, have it all.
• Being good, kind, and human never became uncool, or went out of style. It is actually the most beautiful thing to be imperfect and “awkward”.
• You can do it all perfectly “right” and by the book and still fail. The wheel of fortune is always turning and sometimes you will end up at the bottom. It is not you, it is the luck of the draw.
• You have to detach to attract. The more force you put on having things your way, the more resistance you’ll get. Sometimes, you must simply submit.
• People love you, even at your ugliest. And you (even at your ugliest) are worthy of said love.
• No amount of media, literature, or traditional learning can teach you what the people and the rest of the world around you can. Everything and everyone tells a story and you’d be surprised how much of it is just an inverted version of your own.
• None of this shit is real. Literally. None of it. My best advice? Be whoever the fuck you want to be, as loudly as you want to. Fuck the outside noise.

That’s it?

You are awfully testy for a motherfucker who comes here to be yelled at by me to get your shit together. Pray tell, what the fuck did you learn last year? Did you grow at all? Dredge up the darkest, deepest parts of yourself and have to bare-knuckle brawl with yourself to decide which version of you would survive? Did you lose anything? How about something important?

Most importantly, have you gained anything?

Remember when I said that the forest-fire-that-was-my-life last year was fucking worth it? It was because I gained so much shit that actually resonates. I didn’t just lose my old life; I earned my new one.

That is not to say that I don’t miss my old life and the people that were in it from time to time. (if any of you are reading this, this is in no way, shape or form an invitation back…not even in the slightest. Godspeed.) It just goes to say, that I gained so much more. I found love in many forms. And though some of it was fleeting, and only meant to last for the moment; a lot of it stayed. I found my spark when it comes to creativity in everyday life. From the way that I dress, to the shit I do for leisure now. Shit, even the way I choose to see the world around me. I even found myself again. Purely and authentically. While some things had to get put on the back burner during that time (cough, cough….this blog), so that I could actually come back a better version of myself; they were never forgotten. I took the time, not only to decide what I love, but that the things and the people do not deserve a low effort version of me. Nor the old me. Therefore, I buried her for good. Toodles, bitch.

So for the final time (hopefully), I would like to reintroduce myself. Hi, I’m Oj, (but you are more than welcome to call me Phoenix. After all, that’s what I am) and you are currently getting the carpets inside my mind dirty because you didn’t take your fucking shoes off at the door. Anyway, welcome to the inside of my brain. For those of you that have been here before, welcome back. I hope you didn’t forget your fucking fire extinguishers (fucking rookies). For those of you that are new here, welcome to Flaming Truths, the place where my mind roams free and no punches are pulled (aaaaaand sometimes it stings a little.) Read around, get comfortable. But next time you stop by, please don’t forget your fire extinguisher.

glad to be back (on my bullshit).

talk soon.