Flaming Truths.

Okay, I admit, it might’ve been me. But just hear me out.

That motherfucker and his little ass wings should’ve been fired a long time ago. I mean, how long has he been getting by half-ass doing his job? I thought his duty was to create pairs in love with his heavy artillery of arrows. I’m just saying, that homeboy has a nasty habit of only shooting one.

So I beat him at his own game. I blew cupid’s little ass right out of the sky, took one of his beloved arrows and jammed it into my own shoulder.

are we talking, like, self love?

It’s a bit more complicated than that. You’ll just have to walk with me on this one.

As I was saying; that little bastard has no idea how pairs work (or maybe he just does it to fuck with me). Has anyone else noticed how impossible it feels to just be on the same page as the person that you’re dating (or what have you)? Personally, it feels like I’m reading The Iliad and they’re reading a random waiting room magazine.

explain.

When I actually end up liking someone, they ruin it. Every-single-time, without fail. It can be something as simple as them not being interested in me the way I am in them, to them being unsure; or even them only valuing how I benefit them, instead of me as a whole. The flip side of the coin, however, is the ones who just so happen to be looking at me when their arrow hits. I’m talking the ones that make great friends, but they just want more. The ones I just can’t give more. While they’re filling out the MASH games in their magazine, wearing rose tinted glasses, high on their affection for me; they never look up to realize that I’m not in the room with them. What a paradox it is to seek love in the spaces where it ceases to exist, yet lack desire in the spaces it’s offered. (however, there is by no means, anything wrong with knowing what you want and do not want. it is actually more fair to all parties involved to deny something you know is not what you want.)

So I’ve stopped openly accepting what I think I deserve, just because they come to me and started keeping my eyes on the things I want instead. Why settle when you can fucking shoot for the moon and aim for the stars, you hear me? So I developed the impossible crush and put my expectations to an actual face. In the psychological world, my little nincompoops, we call that romanticization (with a dash of delusion). In the midst of holding out for someone that I’ll probably never actually have; I found out, I’m actually pretty cool. Like, alone. I’m not even thinking about what things would be like with anybody else right now. I’m busy. And not in a petty, ‘I’m trying to make them suffer’, kind of way. I have so many things going on of my choosing right now, that it doesn’t matter who isn’t here. If I dwell on what isn’t here, how will I ever see what’s here right now? I have a group of best friends who (drive me absolutely-fucking-insane, but) love me (and I love them more), a family who does the same, a professional life that whoops my ass daily, and more hobbies than I can physically keep up with. I always feel like I have to squeeze a suitor into my world, they rarely just fit. Or I start to feeling like I have to cut corners with them to be present for the (other) people and things that I love outside of them. My worlds very rarely collide and flow smoothly. It’s not fair to anyone involved, really.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that the crush was just a reason for me to spend time alone. Oh, you’re not him? So that means I can like you, but I have to keep liking you, or else; as soon as the honeymoon phase ends and you start showing your ass, call me Casper. ‘Cause, baby, I’m gone. I’m turned off and quite frankly, don’t want want to play anymore. I got my eye on a bigger fish, gotta keep swimming. Talk about a mind-fuck. But how long can you mind-fuck yourself before you finally decide to face the music? Personally? Almost a year. It was working fine until I realized what I was doing. By the time I caught on, I was already comfortable with being alone. Not settling for any fraction size of what I deserve, because what I truly deserve is all of it.

so it is about self love?

In a way it is. But more than that, it’s about embracing that when it comes to love, settling has no benefit. Everyone that throws themself at you, obsesses over you and/or tries to force you into a situation in love that you don’t particularly want is is not supposed to be considered a fucking love interest. You have to vet your prospects. I mean, seriously vet them.

What are they like when they don’t get their way? Are they a fucking asshole? Do they try to gaslight or guilt trip you into things? Do they scramble for ways to control you? Do you feel safe with them to be yourself, or do they try to mold you into their ideal version of you, with total disregard for who you truly are? What attracts you to them? Are you attracted to them, or are you attracted to the fact that someone is attracted to you? Can your worlds seamlessly cross over? What do their interpersonal relationships look like? Are they honest? Do they lie about little things? Do they have an imagination? Do they like movies as much as you do? What does music theory say about them? Did cupid remember the second arrow this time? What is their favorite thing about you? Is it superficial, or internet coded? You have to open your lens and really look. I mean, how many of those questions never even crossed your mind? I’m not saying that you shouldn’t date and give people chances; but are you getting to know them, or getting wrapped up in the idea…the glamor? How can you love someone that you’re not even curious about? Is it foreign to want to know every-little-detail?

Stepping out of the lover girl aesthetic (you know, dying to love, eager to serve), I gave myself the gift of sight. I see myself, through and through; bumps and bruises, cracks, and all. I know myself well enough to have grounding when it comes to discernment. That manipulator is not protective or just super helpful, they are trying to obtain control over you and find a way to lock in and keep it. That liar was never afraid of how the truth would affect you, they are more concerned with the effect your reaction to it will have on them. Sometimes people are indeed, too sweet for you. Oftentimes, shit is only polished on the outside and rotting on the outside. It is impossible to see something that you are not looking at. If you are looking too closely, you will miss vital details. Likewise when zooming out too far. There is absolutely nothing wrong with, nor embarrassing about taking the time that you need to observe and take notes. Especially when it comes to something as delicate as your heart.

You better go get your hands on one of those arrows and give it a try for yourself.

talk soon.